I’m on the 30 Stockton and a lady got on at Chinatown w something that smells like a thousand periods in one pink bag.

An elderly Chinese woman fell into my arms today. It wasn’t sexual, I was just on Muni.

This old dude almost sits on my lap as he takes a seat next to me. Not 5 minutes later he slightly raises his checks and proceeds to cut the cheese.

rainbows n unicorns

The thing about Halloween in San Francisco is… I never know if someone is in costume or not. But the frightened tourists on BART are pretty funny.

A few years ago I was riding the second car of an N Judah train out of downtown. The second car does not have a driver only the first. There were only five people on board and the first station we came to the doors did not open. The second station we came to the doors did not open again. A woman started getting excited “we’re trapped, we’ll never get out and I have to go to work”. So the third station that the doors did not open I reached up and pulled the red emergency lever above the doors. All of us exited. I went up to the driver and said the doors did not open on the second car. He rudely said “that car is out of service, don’t get on it”. I wondered how one would know if the signs on the car and the overhead signs indicate a destination and the doors opened. I would have explained that I pulled the red lever and he would have to go back and reset the doors but since he was so rude, I just sat down. After several minutes of opening and closing the doors he figured it out. I just smiled, you get nothing extra from me because of your rudeness.

Today on muni I was taking the 71, and it was packed with people. There was
a lady asking the all the elderly people if they wanted to sit down. It
would have been very sweet if she had a seat to give, but she herself was
standing. I wonder who she planned to kick out if one of them had actually
said yes!

On the M outbound to school yesterday, a normal-appearing man started making bovine noises. It would’ve been annoying, but this was a savant of cow sounds, a true artist. I’ve never heard a human impersonate a cow that effectively before.

Today on bart someone was using a pen as a toothpick. It was me.

While riding the bart, I saw a homeless black transvestite asking people if they can change her three quarters for a dollar bill. Ten minutes later I was at the subway by Market and Fifth St. when my girlfriend and I see that same transvestite hop in, light her crack pipe, ask me to change her three quarters for a dollar, and then leave.

Today I watched an older asian gentleman shoot a snot rocket onto the seat next to him.

I used to live in Parkmerced, being a lazy ass and taking the 17 to Holloway and always seeing the same man sitting in the back. He usually sat by himself and I never really looked at him until one day when I turned my head and realized his ginormous grey hairy balls were hanging out of his jeans through a small hole. I kind of avoided looking towards the back after that…

SO, I followed a group of friends onto a 28 so that we could go to Daly City Bart and go to Target. As I was getting on the bus, the bus driver suddenly took off. Now, it could have been an evil scheme on behalf of the bus driver which seems to be most of the cases now on the muni, or he just jolted too hard, but I went flying forward. My arms went everywhere looking to grasp onto the pole to hold on for my dear life… Finally I grabbed what I thought was a pole but when I looked up I had dragged a poor blind ladies stick down and practically took her arm off with it… I couldn’t stop apologizing and my friends couldn’t stop laughing.

I once was on the M underground and my side was empty except for this “lady”. After a few minutes, I started smelling cigarette smoke. After looking around for a minute or two I realized 1) this lady was not a lady 2) she was talking to herself 3) she had lipstick smeared across her face and 4) she was puffing so hard on a lit cigarette that it was filling her little area with smoke… Wtf!

On muni, I once heard a man giving another man financial advice. They were both bums. I remember hearing another woman, who overheard the same conversation, shake her head and say “its like taking diet advice from a fat person.”

Once, I was riding the 43 going through a pretty fancy neighborhood. I remember admiring the houses when I saw a bum. It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if it wasn’t daytime, if his penis wasn’t out, and if he wasn’t peeing with the force of a power hose onto someone’s hedge.

One time on muni, I watched a bum bitch slap another bum and then run off the train. It was funny but no one else on the train seem to agree with me.

One time on Muni this “special” guy started talking to me. He related to me because I am filipino and so is his sister in law. After trying several attempts to break free from his conversation without seeming rude, I was beginning to think he finally got the idea that I just wanted to watch netflix via my phone. That is when he asked me if I wanted his number. I told him I was okay and no thank you. I then watched as he rummaged through his back pack, pulled out two honey packets, squeezed its contents into his mouth and then very casually drop the empty packets on the floor. He kept looking in my direction the entire ride home.

I was waiting with my friend for the 48 on Harrison and 24th. We decided to cross the street to get some ice cream when we passed by a homeless lady eating what looked like a tuna sandwich. As we were passing her I heard her croaking voice say “young man, young man! You wanna piece? Young man! You wanna piece?” She also offered it to the five year old who passed by afterward.

After waiting 95 minutes in the pouring rain for an F train, three trains came one after another. Count ‘em: THREE. I realize that you guys have hard lives, Muni Drivers of San Francisco, but staging a coup by taking a group nap at starbucks is NOT the answer.

I was on the 48 and the bus driver didnt know where to go so the passengers had to tell him the route.

So I was with my six year old daughter on the L going downtown and we were in the tunnel but the train wasn’t moving. People started getting restless and bitching among themselves. One guy decides to start yelling at the bus driver. The driver tells the guy she can’t go because there is a backup. Another patron wants to defend the driver and says to the complainer “SHUT up.”

Yesterday on the 38-Geary, this extremely obese man sat down next to me, spread open his legs and took over my personal space to the point I was squished against the window. So, I exaggerated my coughing until he got so disgusted with me he got up and moved to a more open seat for his largeness.

One time I was riding the J-Church on my way to a friend’s house, and it was pouring rain outside. We were between Glen Park and Balboa Park when the driver stopped the train and told us that there had been an accident, and there was a car stuck on the tracks ahead of us. The tow truck was on its way, but he told us it was going to be a while. Our only option besides wait it out was to leave and walk the unpaved divider of the 280 freeway in the dark, in the downpour, until the next station. I waited and it took 35 minutes to get that damn car off the tracks.

One time when I was riding the bus, I saw a man picking at the skin in his armpits and eating it. Disgusted, I tried to hide the look of revulsion from my face. Because this man was in my direct line of vision, it was hard for me not to look. If I was going to have to look at him, I was not going through it alone. I tried to get my friend to see him, motioning my head toward him and giving her a look. It took about five minutes of this for her to notice and when she did she gasped aloud. Mid way through the ride, the man started talking to some young women, while continuing to pick and eat at the skin from his armpits. In conversation, he was very polite and articulate. He carried on a conversation about a new model of a smart phone, while continuing to pick the skin from his armpits.

Today on muni the air conditioner was leaking at the same time I decided to look up to find where the water was coming from. Yeah, it dripped into my eye.

Today on muni I saw a man clipping his nails. Thats right, not in his own home, not in his his bedroom or bathroom, but on muni. One nail clipping even flew my way.

Today on muni I could smell the doritos from the mouth of a guy two seats away as he spoke to his friend across from him. She on the other hand thought it was necessary to begin cleaning out her bag and throwing its unwanted contents onto the train floor.

I was waiting at the bus stop with my friends, it was late and I just wanted to go home. Next thing I know there was an elderly homeless woman in a wheelchair who magically appeared in front of us. She sternly points to my male companion:

WOMAN: Stop fucking attacking my breast.
Me: Excuse me?
WOMAN: Stop fucking attacking my breasts.
With a mixture of amusement and confusion, I replied to her.
ME: Yeah dude, stop fucking attacking her breasts.
WOMAN: You will pay for this.
At this point she continues to point at my friend while she uses her functioning legs to wheel herself away from us, never breaking eye contact. 8 3:31

One time on muni I was riding home from Downtown on the 12. It had been a very taxing afternoon and I just wanted to get back as soon as possible. The bus turned left on Folsom and made a stop. As the doors began to close we heard a distressed voice yelling from the corner. We passengers looked back to see an old woman hobbling along with her walker, hailing the bus. There was a collective holding of breaths as we knew the driver probably didn’t see her. But we were wrong. I remember being annoyed at first, thinking I just wanted to get home and the driver should have gone on. But the driver waited the full five minutes it took for the woman to make it to the front of the bus, despite the obvious tension from all of his passengers. It really made me think, and I admired the heart of the driver. 8 3:20

One time on muni I watched as the driver patiently waited for two people to run up to the door only to shut it in their faces and drive briskly away. Is it bad that I laughed?

Today while plugging along on the J, excited to get home to some dinner and puppy time, the driver announced that the train will be stopping at Glenn park and going no further. He offers one final warning that the next stop will be the last. As soon as he finished, someone pulled the cord to request a stop.

One time I was on the N-Owl on my way to work, it was 6 a.m. and I was barely conscious. I was sitting on the back of the bus, zoning out while the bus was at a stop. I hear the bus driver say something and I snap back into it, then I hear him say it again. He’s turned around in his seat and he says “Young lady, for Haight and Ashbury you have to get off here.” I look around to my left and my right, then I realize no one is moving, and he’s talking to me. I ask “What?” and the driver repeats that I need to get off here, because there was an event scheduled on Haight that morning and the bus had been rerouted. I exited the bus and thought all day about how the driver who’s face I didn’t even know had known me and what stop I always get off at, and he was looking out for me.

One time on muni I smelled Indian curry. I looked around and realized there was no curry on the bus. The source of the smell seemed to be radiating from the crack-addict-looking fellow sitting next to me. People who smell like exotic food gross me out and I judged him during the entire ride. As he was exiting the bus, I watched as he grabbed a bag of to-go curry by his feet. One time on muni, I wrongfully judged a person. He probably smelled okay.

At the stop by 16th/Mission, there’s a bathroom that always seems to be occupied.  One day the door opened and three people came out. A woman and two men. When they got out, a woman stepped in followed by a man with a bike. Before he got to close the door the woman was already on her knees unzipping the man’s pants. Then two more men went inside. The woman was about 50, no shoes, and was missing her front teeth. I suppose it’s better that way.

Took a ride on the J and watched as a drunken man harassed women passengers. The driver didn’t do anything, but one of my fellow passengers did. He ended up in a fist fight. The driver just kept on driving.

I was once sitting by a group of boys on the 14. They seemed to be 19-21 years of age and sharing a bottle of Jack Daniels. A homeless woman came up and asked for a sip. The boys shockingly agreed to share and asked for her cup so they can pour her a bit. She then asked to drink straight from the bottle. I will never forget their response: “Hell no, you got a fork in your hair. You nasty!”

I was on the L Taraval when we came to a stop unexpectedly. About ten minutes later, I was sitting and waiting for us to start moving again, when I and everyone else on the bus were suddenly jolted forward in our seats, as though from an accident or an earthquake. We looked out the windows toward the back only to see one of the conductors connecting our train to one behind us, one that had just rammed ours in an effort to push us over some object in the tracks. We all thought something bad had happened because the driver neglected to warn us about the upcoming whiplash. Just another day on the muni.

I was riding a muni line that went through the bottom of Japantown. It regularly picked up lots of asian shoppings, replete with pink plastic shopping bags and fresh produce. A lady, trying to board an incredibly sardine-style packed bus, ventured to enter the front door with a still live chicken, as she was firmly holding it by it’s feet. When the stunned bus driver told her that she wasn’t allowed to board with a live chicken, the old asian woman stepped off the bus. 15 seconds later, all the passengers heard a deafening WHAP against the left side of the bus. The same lady once again appeared at the front of the bus, now clutching a dead chicken, whose neck had been snapped as she aggressively whipped it against the vehicle. Needless to say, the silent bus driver let her board and no one would stand next to her nor meet her eyes until she got off, 15 blocks later.

One time on Bart, a group of us sat in the 4 seats facing each other when someone noticed a newspaper that was oddly stuck to the bottom part of the wall, just below the window. I remember thinking “oh god, don’t touch that” when he indeed touched it. He said it was sticky. I’m pretty sure it was a bum’s semen covered with the sports section.

ONE TIME ON THE MUNI-

A woman boarded the train and gave a child a compliment. The child told the lady to shut the fuck up and called her a BITCH. She asked the mother to control the child. The mother pretended not to speak English. The woman became irrate and cursed the child out and the non speaking English mother. This lady actually argued and cursed out a 10 year old for 15 minutes.  They even got so into it they threatened each other with violence…How could something so sweet and innocent as a compliment go WRONG???!

~just another ride on the Muni…

I was on the 14 mission one time, on one of those extra long muni busses, when a crackhead straight took a shit on the bus. Right on the seat. It was so disgusting people started to crowd the front. I got off and walked to bart.

I was riding the K on my way to work when the muni driver stopped at a stop sign, got out of the train and proceeded to walk into a corner shop. I was confused. I remember thinking that either he had to poop/pee really bad or he wanted to buy a lotto ticket. A few minutes later my questions were answered when the driver emerge with a cup of coffee in hand and a satisfied look on his face.

One time while waiting for the 22 at 16th and mission, I saw a bum drool on a man’s bag. The bum tried to push through the man to board the back of the bus. The man looked back in utter disgust, shaking his head. But little did he know that a bum had drooled on his bag.

on the 22 Fillmore;

One day, after school let out, a packed aisle of middle schoolers were pushing each other back and forth. A fat kid used the handrails like monkey bars, and started kicking out the windows.And a bunch of kids in the back started chanting “slap that bitch,” for no reason.

One time on the 48 Quintara I watched as an obese woman sitting in her rascal scooter began rocking back and fourth in attempt to reach a newspaper that was just out of her reach on the seat in front of her. I then looked on in horror as the bus started moving and she lurched suddenly forward; I thought she was going down. If she fell, I’m not sure if I would’ve helped her or burst out laughing.

One time while waiting for the 19 Polk at 8th and Market someone forgot their peg leg. Basically someone went home without a leg.

Today on the L Taraval, I watched as a man took a snack out of his backpack: A bag of broccoli. He then emptied not one, but four packets of Splenda into the bag, and ate the artificially sweetened veggies not with a utensil or even his fingers, but like an animal at a food trough.

One time on muni, I watched a woman eat a mango like it was an apple, skin and all.

One time on muni, I disgustingly watched a homeless man “discreetly” masturbate as a group of kids not so politely suggested he use soap from the back of the bus.

One time on the bus a very angry looking girl vigorously shook a can of orange soda all over the seats around her as I was walking in her direction. My guess is that she didn’t want me to sit next to her. Jokes on her, I wanted to stand anyway.

I was on the 22 and a woman was yelling very loudly at a gentleman that she was going to call the police for harassment because he was hitting on her…dog.

One time on the 22, my bus driver kicked off a belligerent drunk man in a wheel chair who cursed the whole way through while getting off the bus. Everyone on the bus thought we were on our merry way when, right before we got to the next stop, my bus driver yells, “OH HELL NO.” The belligerent drunk man was scooting his wheel chair across street yelling profanities at the bus driver. How did he beat us to the next stop with his wheelchair? We’ll never know.

I saw a train upon my phone
But could not see where it had gone.
The minutes, told, would count to three
But there no train did wait for me.
And now I stand here in dismay
Waiting, waiting for the J.

KJ

One afternoon I was on the 22 sitting across from a black man dressed as a
homeless women with a bottle of liquor in his hands. He was muttering under
his breath and glaring at everyone near him. Then he suddenly stood up and
yelled “dumb bitch” and threw his empty bottle of liquor at my feet, it
shattered. Just another day on Muni!

Today I was riding the 14 when I looked out the window and saw a bum taking a crap on a car.

Today I watched as a “youth” spat out of the door of the J train from his seat during every stop. I witnessed this for 9 stops.

“Kyle was on the bus and the bus driver ran over a woman and killed her…that’s a crazy one.”

Today on muni a woman was knitting. She was also our bus driver and making a left turn onto mission street.

Today on muni I saw a woman breast feeding her baby. Her baby was a doll.